Teach Kids Social Skills With "Cheat Sheets"

It's easy enough to gauge your kid's learning when it comes to concrete skills. Walking, talking, reading...the "evidence" of progression is right there for you to see. It's much more difficult, however, when your kid struggles with invisible skills such as empathy, perception of personal space, and frustration tolerance. These are skills, to be sure, but not ones we usually "teach" -- we expect our kids to pick them up on their own. When they do, we call them "good," "well-behaved," and "sweet." When they don't, they get labeled with much less forgiving terms: "selfish," "rude," and "bad." Sadly, kids who lag behind in social skills are often judged before they are helped. I happen to have one of these kids. He's brilliant, funny, and creative, and he can also be abrasive, blunt, and self-centered. I say this as one who loves him dearly; these are simply honest descriptions of how he sometimes behaves. It has taken me a long time to accept that his more bristly qualities have less to do with who he is and more to do with social skills he lacks. This is an important distinction: one judges him, the other recognizes his opportunities to learn and grow. We don't call a slow reader "stupid" we tutor and encourage her. In the same way I am not calling my son "bad." I look for ways to tutor him...socially.

And why am I telling you this here at Lifescoop? Because technology has a surprising role to play in my tutoring methods. I have started creating a number of behavior "cheat sheets" that turn unwritten social rules into black-and-white lists of habits and "if/then" scenarios. These are simply word processing documents (in Microsoft Word or Google Documents) that I stow away on my hard drive and print out when need arises.

Example: we recently had some family friends over for dinner (the first time in forever). I created a cheat sheet called "When we have guests over for a meal," printed it out and went over it with both my kids before everyone arrived. Anxieties were quieted, potential problems were discussed, and we were now all (literally) on the same page. It was the smoothest dinner party we've had in recent memory.
These cheat sheets aren't the magic pill for every social occasion -- after all, stuff comes up that no one can expect. My answer: a cheat sheet called "When unexpected things happen." Cheat sheets are wonderful for so much more than teaching unwritten social rules. You can use cheat sheets as starting points for conversation about difficult topics, such as illness or the loss of a pet. They provide a map for talking about your kids' social skills with your partner or spouse, the babysitter, and with extended family. You can print them as you need them, or keep them in a binder on the kitchen counter.

I have found that by writing out social rules I've become more aware of my own behavior. And that's good for everyone.

Note: My cheat sheets were inspired by Carol Gray's Social Stories, a popular tool for helping kids with social challenges. 

[Headline Image: Karen McG.]